Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
