FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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