If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
