My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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