Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
