...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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