woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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