I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
