ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
