I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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