I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
