Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
