I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
