i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
