I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
