I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
