can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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