You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My cat gives me a boner
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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