pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
