so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
