Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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