WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
