dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize