This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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