u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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