Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
