Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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