i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
