I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
