gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
