Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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