Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
