conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
