I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
