when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
