Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
