Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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