I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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