Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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