I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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