she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
