It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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