tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
