Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
