WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
