gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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