I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
