Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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