What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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