I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
