Need sex. Gaining weight.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
