My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
