I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize